FINALLY TIME TO UPDATE!!

Me at 25 weeks...
Living in this crazy world has inhibited my time to write on my blog for quite some time! So much has gone on! For one, my 2 boys are older and changing. Prince is in 1st grade and Wise is in Pre-K full time! They are big boys now, who love Ipods and video games. (Yah, my 4 1/2 year old loves and uses his Ipod!) They can make their own corndogs, waffles and wipe their own butts! Yes, I went there!

BUT NOW...we have another addition coming to the V Family. A little girl! She is expected to arrive February 12th, a very significant day. Its the same day Boricua and I were married. She's a special little one. One: it being a GIRL, two: it being planned and three: it's our last baby. I had a miscarriage just two weeks before she was concieved too! I wont sugarcoat anything; this has been the most miserable pregnancy ever. Ive been sick since day one, I have serious digestive issues, I have chronic back pain, hip pain and migraines. To boot, my having Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome does not help. I'm barely 7 months along and already feel my lung capacity has decreased. I'm so uncomfortable! What has been the hardest of hard to deal with is DEPRESSION! It's at times unbareable. I have been on an SSRI for awhile now but it doesn't seem to do much. Recently, my Dr. switched meds and I'm in a big, body & mind, shocking transition. I'm feeling helpless and hopeless. I cry often, get upset easily, have lack of motivation and even sometimes feel suicidal. I'm at this point where I'm mad I'm pregnant and don't want anymore kids! The pain is just too much to handle sometimes! I feel like such a bad mom and everyone in my life deserves someone better. Nonetheless, I force myself to carry on, do my duties and laugh at any chance I get. I often tell myself, "It could be worse!"

Boricua is over the moon for this baby. I feel like he's forgotten about me as an individual and sees me as the holding tank for his daughter! LoL. It's never, "How are you doing today", it's, "How's my little baby girl doing today". My reply often is, "She's fine, I guess." I dont know what else to say! She's still in there, sleeping, kicking and growing! I'm still miserable! Nothing changes! Since she cannot talk, I assume she's happy as a clam! She's in a warm and cozy place, feeding off my blood supply and expending all of my energy....just what a fetus is supposed to do! Lately I've felt that's it's just a foreign object taking over my body! I'm too miserable to feel happy and excited. I carry a huge sense of guilt for feeling that way too. I'm fat, sick and depressed...how can I possibly be happy right now?

In the end, I love her and love my family. My boys are excited to have a sister and Boricua couldn't be happier. I just need to get through these last few months and the postpardum period. Then hopefully feel normal again!!