My how a month and a half brings change!

I did not realize its been this long since I last posted! I read my last post and my, a lot has happened!

Stemming from the last post, yes,I did teach Zumba that night. I had a huge class and went balls to the wall! Well, that ended up being my last class! I started feeling really funny after class and noticed on going contractions. I ended up in Labor and Delivery the next morning getting contractions monitored. I was only 26 weeks and 1 day along. I had to be at the hospital alone because dad was working, as with everyone else. Its was the scariest and loneliest experience. They put me on activity restrictions afterwards and I haven't been the Zumba queen since...

I also went through a very serious bout of depression. It was so severe, my Dr wanted me to go to the ER for immediate help. Everything happened all at once too. I literally didn't want to live. I was second guessing pregnancy and even myself. I've not Felt that much despair and pain ever. This has been a very emotional pregnancy.

On top of that, I was having dealings with my dance company and some members. My co-director decided to go and start her own company, in the height of all the madness. It was a huge blow, even though it was in the best interest for each other. I felt I was conspired against by people I ensured my trust in and blamed for someone's lack of personal growth, which killed me. I didn't want to carry on after that. I too noticed lack of respect and integrity for fellow people I thought respected me. It was really hard to go through and a lot of tears were shed. I try to do the best I can each day and give others the honesty, loyalty and respect they deserve. I realized with this experience, I can't give everyone the benefit of the doubt and fully trust in someone, when I have reserved feelings or angst before I make co-op decisions. It was a good learning lesson and my company dance season has now ended! It was too stressful at this time and I needed to focus on my health and this baby. I'm happy to say, I'm so relieved from such burden and love a more simplified life! I AM NOT SUPER WOMAN!!!! I am DONE WITH DANCE POLITICS!! I'm burnt out from trying to make a name for myself and scouting talent, when I get burned in return. I'm done with the cutthroat mentality. I'm done trying to be the best! Its taken too much time and energy away from my family. Dance will always be a part of my life in ways but I'm currently retired!!

Now that I'm feeling much better and mentally stable, life is good! I have little challenges that arise but they always go away. I'm busy taking care of a family and getting ready to bring my baby girl into the World! We financially struggle, have been sick, worry if we will get the baby gear we need, cram our way through school and have one car to share... But we are warm, safe, happy, healthy and have family and friends that love us!!

FINALLY TIME TO UPDATE!!

Me at 25 weeks...
Living in this crazy world has inhibited my time to write on my blog for quite some time! So much has gone on! For one, my 2 boys are older and changing. Prince is in 1st grade and Wise is in Pre-K full time! They are big boys now, who love Ipods and video games. (Yah, my 4 1/2 year old loves and uses his Ipod!) They can make their own corndogs, waffles and wipe their own butts! Yes, I went there!

BUT NOW...we have another addition coming to the V Family. A little girl! She is expected to arrive February 12th, a very significant day. Its the same day Boricua and I were married. She's a special little one. One: it being a GIRL, two: it being planned and three: it's our last baby. I had a miscarriage just two weeks before she was concieved too! I wont sugarcoat anything; this has been the most miserable pregnancy ever. Ive been sick since day one, I have serious digestive issues, I have chronic back pain, hip pain and migraines. To boot, my having Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome does not help. I'm barely 7 months along and already feel my lung capacity has decreased. I'm so uncomfortable! What has been the hardest of hard to deal with is DEPRESSION! It's at times unbareable. I have been on an SSRI for awhile now but it doesn't seem to do much. Recently, my Dr. switched meds and I'm in a big, body & mind, shocking transition. I'm feeling helpless and hopeless. I cry often, get upset easily, have lack of motivation and even sometimes feel suicidal. I'm at this point where I'm mad I'm pregnant and don't want anymore kids! The pain is just too much to handle sometimes! I feel like such a bad mom and everyone in my life deserves someone better. Nonetheless, I force myself to carry on, do my duties and laugh at any chance I get. I often tell myself, "It could be worse!"

Boricua is over the moon for this baby. I feel like he's forgotten about me as an individual and sees me as the holding tank for his daughter! LoL. It's never, "How are you doing today", it's, "How's my little baby girl doing today". My reply often is, "She's fine, I guess." I dont know what else to say! She's still in there, sleeping, kicking and growing! I'm still miserable! Nothing changes! Since she cannot talk, I assume she's happy as a clam! She's in a warm and cozy place, feeding off my blood supply and expending all of my energy....just what a fetus is supposed to do! Lately I've felt that's it's just a foreign object taking over my body! I'm too miserable to feel happy and excited. I carry a huge sense of guilt for feeling that way too. I'm fat, sick and depressed...how can I possibly be happy right now?

In the end, I love her and love my family. My boys are excited to have a sister and Boricua couldn't be happier. I just need to get through these last few months and the postpardum period. Then hopefully feel normal again!!

Depression SUCKS

Argh...I'm so down tonight! I just feel...soooo..lethargic and down...
I had another Migraine today. I had my usual concoction of Imitrex, Tylenol and Exedrin. I also have these pain relief wipes for Fibromyalgia. It's alot like Icy Hot or Tiger's Balm. It helped. I olny have four of those left and I don't know what I'm going to do when they're gone! I can't find them anywhere now! I think I'm coming down from all of the medical poisen and it's making feel feel really blue. I've gotta get these things under control WITHOUT pumping myself with medication. I don't like doing that.
I feel so disgusted with my body. It looks so bad. I don't have the will power to eat well. I teach and I am active but I eat like garbage. It's really starting to show. I'm so disappointed in myself. I just look gross. I sometimes ask myself WHY I was given this weakness and WHY I was given large hips!! And why the heck do we have to have cellulite, huh? I don't get it. No matter how thin or in shape I am, I have cellulite. It's not as visible but it's still there! It's VERY visible now! Blah. I don't like the way I look right now!!!!!!!!
I hope I can find the strength to eat better and not feel like I'm depriving myself. On top of teaching, I want to get on a running schedule and Boricua do it with me. I know what I need to do. I use to be a work out and diet guru. That what I was going to get my college degree in...until I changed my mind. I was in excellent shape and offered to compete in fitness competitions. But...I developed an eating disorder and became way to obsessed with it all. After that horrible experience, I decided to just let it go, do everything in moderation and enjoy.
Now, I'm ready to strangle myself(not literally) for my fatty rolls and cottage cheese.
I gotta do SOMETHING. Let's see how well I'll stick to it...

P.S. Our van is a green/grayish color. It's not green but not gray. Somewhere in between.
We are really loving it. Can't wait to go to NYC in it! 3 more days!